C C Z H

October 9, 2015

Happiness

Be perfectly honest with yourselves, when was the last time you felt truly happy? You probably already have an answer in your head, but hold on to that thought for just this moment and hear me out.

I like to think of happiness as a trader, for it’ll give you some happiness, but in return, it’ll take away some you already have. That is why I can’t remember the last time I was truly, one hundred percent happy, because apart from the good, there’s always something lurking in the shadows, weighing me down. This is not to say I’m an unhappy person, in fact, I am one of the more cheerful chaps you’ll come across. My question is how much happiness do you need to have to feel truly happy? I can hear your chuckle, no, this isn’t a lame attempt to play with words, but rather a genuine, heartfelt query. I know for a fact that it is virtually impossible to have everything going right in your life, therefore there’s always going to be that gap, or rather brick wall, between you and reaching that elusive one hundred percent happiness. The happiest people I know don’t always have the smoothest of lives, so how is it possible for them to smile so radiantly? The answer is simple, they are contented with what they have.

Without being stereotypical, I can divide the elderly people that I know into two broad categories, the discontented and the contented. The discontented constantly moan about their seemingly horrible lives, their physical pain, their children, their lack of branded goods for example. I struggle to comprehend why, at their old age, they live with so much unhappiness and regret. I don’t want to say this too early, but if I were to live to their age, I’m pretty sure that I’ll be counting my blessings instead of the other way around. This brings me to the contented elderly. I admire them, I truly do. Their golden years are filled with positivity, they wake up every morning and thank God for each new day. I think this is beautiful, it warms my heart to see them smile and it teaches me so many lessons. I hope I’ll follow in the footsteps of the latter rather than the former.

Having applied a more positive attitude towards life, I can now proudly say that I am a happier person. No longer am I weighed down by rocks of sorrow, for I have left these burdens behind. Instead I fill my backpack with fluffy clouds, clouds of innocent satisfaction. With all that weight lifted off my shoulders, I am now free to run, to run and embrace what the future holds.

CCZH

Leave a comment
October 3, 2015

Graduation

“You can take a boy out of SJI, but you can never take SJI out of a boy.”

Midway through the “Saint Joseph’s Call”, I caught myself glancing at the people around me, at all those youthful boys pouring their hearts out in song. Then I looked at my classmates, the fine gentlemen that have journeyed with me through this phase of life. Our arms were interlocked, and our palms were cupped firmly on each others shoulders. A certain fire was in our eyes, a strange one, for I could see neither blazing joy nor simmering sadness. I looked to the big guy on my left, and our gaze interlocked. In that precise moment, time slowed, for in his eyes, I had finally found the answer to my question.

I often find that I’m not good at expressing my emotions, and as such, I was sure that shedding even a single tear during the graduation ceremony was beyond me. However, the night before the big day, I lay sleepless on my bed. An indescribable feeling was drowning me, but I just couldn’t put a finger on what exactly it was. Was it excitement? Not really. Was it fear? Most definitely not. As I lay there with my gaze directed firmly at the bare ceiling, I felt sick to the core. I was expecting myself to feel miserable, for having to leave my beloved classmates, and indeed, I did, but there was something I felt that wasn’t quite right. This stray thought remained embedded in my sub-consciousness, for I failed to find the key to this enigma.

As I waltzed into the starkly lit hall early in the morning, I greeted, and was greeted by many with a warm smile and a genuine hug. Words of congratulation and goodbye seemed to hang on everyone’s lips. The ceremony began in typical SJI fashion, in thanksgiving prayer, then it proceeded full swing, the details of which I am not inclined to go into in specificity. Then came what was the defining moment of the graduation, the singing of the song I mentioned earlier, “Saint Joseph’s Call”. As I mentioned, when I looked into the eyes of the big guy on my left, I found the answer to what I was feeling, and indeed what many others were feeling as well.

We’ve grown so much over the years, learnt so much, been through so much. We’ve seen each other evolve, from little boys to true gentlemen. When I sang that song, the memories came back in waves. This ceremony, it was a mirror of the orientation camp all those years ago. The same song, the same people, the same good friends. Everything I’ve been through flashed past, all the laughter, tears, fear. All these priceless stories, they were on a page that was about to turn, turn to a blank page, where more stories were bound to be written. These were no longer friends, we were a family, and to say goodbye to a family member, hell, it isn’t going to be easy.

So what is it that I was feeling? Pardon me for being clichéd, but it was neither joy nor sadness, it was disbelief. I was on the verge of being uprooted from the place that I had grown my roots so deep, and planted in a new garden to start the process of growing my roots all over again. I was about to leave the comfort of my home and venture bravely into the unknown. I was about to say goodbye to my brothers, who I see almost every day, and whom I have grown to love dearly. The realisation hit like a sledgehammer, knocking the wind clean out of me.

Then, to my greatest surprise, I shed a tear. A single lonely tear. It slid slowly down my cheek, and I felt its comforting warmth. Quickly wiping it off before anyone noticed, I joined the thunderous applause that resounded through the hall. And no, the tear was not out of fear, but rather because I can’t bear to leave this beautiful family.

My moment of self-discovery didn’t last, though, as we had to go on stage to receive our graduation papers. As I walked towards the guest of honour, I had the widest smile on my face, and when I was before him, I gave the firmest handshake of my damn life. Keen to return the favour, he duly obliged by giving me a squeeze so hard, it just fell short of hitting the “make you squeal like a pig” level.

Before long, the celebration drew to a close, and the last moments of our official Secondary school lives were spent frantically looking for our friends and teachers for Instagram-worthy photographs. I was one of these people. First up was a throwback photo with my Secondary One Classmates, who have changed so much. Having their arms slung across my shoulders certainly brought back sweet memories. Having found the people that mattered most to me, giving them a warm hug and taking a solo photograph, I straightened my tie and walked out of the hall, into the radiant sunshine.

ORA ET LABORA
JOSEPHIAN 2012-FOREVER

CCZH

Leave a comment
September 1, 2015

Life (Part 1)

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.”

This is a beautiful quote, it really is. Ronald Dahl’s last line in his last book is unforgettable, and even today I find myself living true to his words. Every time I find time, I find myself staring into the distance, just admiring the beautiful world around me. True, Ronald Dahl’s quote has way more depth than just to be an admirer of the universe, but I think that this is a good start.

As I grow older, mind you I’m still very young, I find that life is losing its magic. In my early days I remember staying up on Christmas night to catch Santa, only to be more than slightly disappointed to see a familiar man by the name of “Dad” walk in with two oversized socks in his hands. What a great way to discover the truth. Also, every family outing would be like an adventure, be it shopping or visiting a tourist attraction. My youthful eyes would glitter with innocent joy as I stood amazed at giraffes and sharks, and my mouth would hang agape as I ascended to dizzying heights in a cable car. What a childhood, a childhood that I have my parents and grandparents to thank for.

Which brings me to my point. Life is losing its magic, its becoming bland, monotonous, even boring at times. And this kills me inside, what happened to all the excitement? I’m never one to feign emotion, when I’m happy or angry, its painted on my face, hell, I might as well have a sign on my face to display my mood. Over the last year, many people have been telling me that I don’t smile. And its painfully true, because I simply cannot find anything that’s worth smiling for.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

CCZH

Leave a comment
August 23, 2015

Rain

The dull thudding of raindrops against the black fabric of my umbrella was all I could hear, as I stood silently by the pavement. I was wearing my suit, neatly ironed and fresh, bearing the welcome aroma of clean linen. Jet black leather shoes acted as the buffer between my feet and the cold, wet ground. A single rose sat lonely atop my left breast pocket, its velvety red colouring a stark contrast compared to my monochrome outfit.

I gazed at the bus stop opposite the road, but alas, it was empty. Clutching my pocket watch harder, I glanced at its sleek copper cover, before flipping it over with a flick of my forefinger. My lonely little heart broke again. The fire of hope was quickly extinguished, as the simmering flame illuminated my heart no more. The cold silver against my chest suddenly became painfully apparent, so I yanked my necklace off. It broke into pieces, twinkling silver flying like fairy dust, landing on the pavement, giving the rainwater a magical glitter.

Throwing my umbrella as far away from me as I could, I ran into the distance. My suit absorbed rainwater like a sponge, chilling me to the bone. But still I ran, my muscles screaming in protest. Every puddle I stepped on rippled, beautiful circles running from their epicentres. Then I stopped. Guffawing like a maniac, I danced in the cascading rain, the sheets of water acting like stage curtains. I never felt so free.

CCZH

Leave a comment
August 15, 2015

Past

I looked deep into his eyes, but I just couldn’t find it. Where was the love? Had it all faded away? An apology hung on my lips, and there it stayed. My pride, my darned pride, it didn’t allow me to stoop down to that level. He doesn’t deserve it, I don’t deserve it. A certain guilt echoed within me, after all, it was probably my fault. I wanted too much, I expected too much, and I guess such high expectations always leads to disappointment. It started as doubt, then denial, followed lastly by outright rage. Cutting all ties, it’s as difficult as cutting your own flesh. The cold shoulder felt more like a cold blade to my neck. But I was determined. You’ll come begging to have me back. I know it. I will win this fight. I will have the last laugh.

CCZH

Leave a comment
August 12, 2015

John

John, look deep into my eyes. Hold on there, I know you can. John, there are things in this world worth living for, you just haven’t found them yet. Such a magical place, ya know, the world. So beautiful yet so, so cruel. But I assure you, it’ll get better. One fine day everything would fix itself, you just have to take my hand and believe.

Times have changed, John, I know. Just look at me! I’m only sixteen, yet the future looks maddeningly bleak. I used to wake up with a smile on my face, eager to embrace the challenges life would throw at me. Make friends, excel in studies, the whole boat load. Yet now, after failures upon failures, heartbreaks upon heartbreaks, I find it hard to accept the truth. Sometimes, I’d even want to hear a beautiful lie, instead of facing the painful truth.

I’m still finding my way in the maze of life, I’ve been lost in here for a long, long time. But I know, for every dead end I run into, they’ll always be a sweet present waiting for me at the next turn. And I wouldn’t have to journey alone, they’ll always be people willing to venture forth with me, into the unknown. Every cloud has its silver lining John, and every rainbow you find out there? Chase it, for you never know what you may find at its end.

So take my hand John, and I’ll venture forth with you. You’ll be the captain and I’ll be your loyal navigator. There’s never gonna be a mountain too high or valley too deep ever again. See the stars out there? They’re twinkling for us John. Always remember, there’s always someone out there rooting for you. And you, only you, can be the true master of the grandest stage. Act out your destiny, John, there are still many scenes left. Come and say the lines with me, and sing, sing the choir of life, for it is majestic.

(EXTRACT FROM SELF-WRITTEN NOVEL, TITLED LITTLE NAVIGATOR)

CCZH

Leave a comment
August 11, 2015

Circles

Circles upon circles, intersecting and enveloping – each circle represents an individual, and each connection between circles represents a relationship. I try very hard to become a master of the circles, but alas, there are far too many of them. They intersect at places unseen, and envelope each other in the most unexpected of places. I am but one circle in the sea of circles, and I can confidently say, I have yet to find my place. As each new dawn comes some circles grow, and some shrink. You might think that the circles which grow would most definitely grow closer to other circles, but no, the other circles could be growing further away from them. As the days grow old, the story becomes more complex. Like a work of art, circles overlap the entire canvas. Slowly but surely, some of the circles disappear, wiped off the canvas by the test of time. Some grow infinitely large, for having become a master of the circles, they can grow at will. Some, unfortunately, disappear into oblivion. Starved of love, they shrink into nothingness. I hope I’ll represent the former, rather than the latter.

(EXPERIMENTAL WRITING)

CCZH

Leave a comment
August 10, 2015

Anguish

I let it out, a shrill, sharp cry that spiralled into the moonlight, like a tower rising up into the deep black sky. Years of anguish, all expressed in that primitive roar, a roar that quickly petered down into a barely audible whisper. A soft whisper of pain, disappointment, hopelessness. Betrayal, always thought to be icy cold, never felt this burning hot. Like a heated scythe, it seared its way through my heartstrings, leaving nothing but sizzling charred tissue. The moon, so white and pristine, seemed to stare down judgementally. But I embraced the attention, it was what I always wanted.

(100 WORD CHALLENGE)

CCZH

Leave a comment
August 9, 2015

Singapore

Red and white. Green and bright. Singapore, so small yet so big in our hearts. She is the oyster that nurtures the pearl that I am (cough). A shining beacon of progress, Singapore, just fifty years after its independence, now stands proud among giants. Obviously, I’m far too young to say I played any part in that, but I can say, with my chest puffed out, that I am well and truly Singaporean. Hundreds of plates of hainanese chicken rice later, I still feel as patriotic as I was in Primary School. It was in Primary School that we were taught to sing national day songs. I still remember our high pitched voices reverberating in the school hall, filled with passion and innocent joy. It was in the hall that we promised to “stand up for Singapore” and “reach out for the stars”. I say unashamedly that I still have a CD filled with national day songs that I sing along to when the mood permits. So, happy 50th birthday Singapore, you’ll always be my home.

CCZH

Leave a comment
August 5, 2015

Addiction

Its outstretched arms clung firmly onto me, dragging me back into the place where I had been imprisoned. I struggled wildly, trying to escape its claws which had already sunken deep into me. I could only blame myself, the claws the monster possessed took time to grow and I was foolish enough to give it all the time in the world. Worst of all, the monster bore a terrifying name, Addiction. All around you, advertisements and preachers share horror stories of people who had succumbed to this monster and I unfortunately found myself in the centre of such a story.

(100 WORD CHALLENGE)

CCZH

Leave a comment