God
by CCZH
I’ve never really been an overly religious person, despite having been a Catholic all my life. I do make the occasional visit to church, yes, and I most definitely know the words to the Lord’s Prayer. Yet, despite all this, I’ve struggled with my faith on numerous occasions, even going so far as to question the existence of the abstract being known as God. Is he merely a figment of our imagination? A convenient excuse to convince common folk to do good? Are all our highs and lows really part of his grand plan? Does he really possess an elaborate, multi-faceted blueprint of our destinies? If so, why would he put us through any suffering – especially if he loves us? His ways were tough for me to get my head around, then I realised, not too long ago, that I wasn’t meant to understand them in the first place.
Perhaps we’re not meant to question the existence of God, nor question his ways. For even if conclusive evidence of his existence is never found, his grace transcends the realm of possibility. Maybe he doesn’t really have a plan for us – maybe there isn’t an author in the skies penning down our life stories. The test papers we somehow passed against all odds, all our successes and tragedies, they all might very well be predetermined scrawls on the scroll of time. Even so, I like to think that I believe in God. Not in his existence, but rather in the reassurance that he can offer me when I need it most.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve subconsciously muttered a prayer under my breath when in distress. Somehow, it always helped in calming my nerves – be it in the examination hall or when alone in the dead of night. Isn’t it magical how one can find the strength and courage to press on, just by having a little faith? No external motivation necessary, just pure, unadulterated belief, yet it is enough for one to find great fortitude. In essence, God is to me what a well is to a vast desert, a ready source of sustenance in what can be a long and bitter fight – a fight known more simply as life.
CCZH
C C Z H 
Oh my God (I’m so funny), I’ve never seen you so holy ever in my life! I think it’s nice how open you are about your stand on your faith. For someone raised in a very catholic family, sometimes I feel that when I deviate from my faith, it’s difficult to have anyone to talk to about it – I feel so unholy for doing so. Anyways, while reading your blog, I was struck by the words “Not in his existence…”, somehow I find comfort knowing that there are others with me in this space between believing in him and not.
On one hand, the realm of science tells me that there the the world is the way it is because we are capable of evolving over time, developing from simple unicellular organisms to complex emotional beings capable of complex thoughts far beyond the wildest imaginations of any other creature or wild beast. Ultimately science is telling us that we are who we are simply because a dice was thrown – which I somehow find slightly scary.
On the other hand, religion has brought about comfort in the solace that we are all part of a bigger plan because of an omnipotent being. We are not simply here by chance but the divine love of one while is all powerful and created us to love each other and to love him. Even though we are suppose to believe in God solely based on faith, there is some sense in a religion, as Gilbert K. puts it “Progress is Providence without God. That is, it is theory that everything has always perpetually gone right by accident. It is a sort of atheistic optimism, based on an everlasting coincidence far more miraculous than a miracle.” When I first read this, I thought, wow, this guy makes sense.
But then, science has make a comeback against this claim: the multiverse theory. It rebuts the claim by saying that the vast infinite number of universes creates a 10 fold more probability to get this chance right. Mathematically, the probability of life turning out the way it is today is almost a perfect 1.
Amidst all this and many other arguments between each side, I am torn! I have never felt the presence of God around me, yet those around me are completely devoted to him – and I wonder how. Over and over again, when I follow my family to church, I ask God for a sign, a sign to tell me that he is out there, watching over us. After 17 years of going to church, there is nothing but silence. But I ask myself, would 1 billion people in the world devote themselves to a being completely detached from us? Of course not, then why does he ignore me?
Interestingly, internal state of tension has been taught in psychology – called Cognitive Dissonance Theory. A theory that states that when one is faced with contradicting beliefs, he or she either changes their behaviour or in this case one of their beliefs.
Thankfully, I have come up with a temporary solution. I have come to the conclusion that I will follow the teachings of the church religiously but not the religion. What I mean is that, the teachings themselves are pure and I believe that with these teachings, we can make the world a better place. And for the time being, out of respect to my parents, I continue to go to church – hopefully one day I will find meaning and purpose in doing so. But somehow, I cannot shake off the idea that every week the one hour spent in church could be spent doing real tangible good. We could be taking concrete actions such as helping those in need. Obviously the idea would be to go to church followed by charity work, but the constraints of reality do not permit us to do so. Thus, why spend and hour every week, 52 in a year telling God that there are poor asking for his help, are we presuming that he does not know this problem? If he does not why do we call him God, if he does, why does he need us to ask for his intervention? Is he not capable of aiding them? If he is not, then why do we call him God, if he is, then why doesn’t he?
But if we were to ignore all these questions, all but one, “Is it not better to spend that one hour that we would otherwise spend in church on doing real tangible good?
I know this has deviate far from what your blog post was on, but I needed to get this off my chest for a really long time. If you have continued reading till the end, thank you for staying with me and hearing what I have to say. I also feel that I have wrote excessively formally to a friend but I don’t know how else to put it. Have a good night!
Cheers, Ben
LikeLike